Oh Crapotatos

Dealing with Emotions

Right. "Dealing" with them. I don't need to deal with my emotions. They'll just go away if I ignore them long enough.. Right?

Not really, I find out again and a-freaking-gain. No. What emotions do when they aren't dealt with is they mess up your life. 

Say you are feeling sad. But you don't want to sit down and explore the sadness, so you just ignore it and focus on something else. Well, get ready for chaos, because you've just made a mistake. Noooooo, you can't just ignore it! What's wrong with bottling things up? You find a way to express it in some other way, that's what's wrong with it. "Bottling it up" doesn't actually exist. Maybe there is a slight delay or it isn't so noticeable, but emotions are ALWAYS expressed one way or another.

Take my case for example. I've told you about how I will be going to Japan to study, でしょうね?　Yes, well, I forgot to mention how terrified I am of it.

It has been a dream of mine to study in Japan for over 5 years. But right now I have my amazing fiancee, my two lovely cats, and I-- for the forst time in a long long time-- have really good support from my family. This is the most emotionally secure and safe I can remember being in my life. I don't want to go. But I'm applying. But I don't want to go. But I've told all my friends and family members. BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO. So, instead of talking about it and crying my eyes out as I should have done to find some sense of relief, I spent over $600 dollars on all sorts of things. I have three Japanese textbooks, a few sets of fake eyelashes, and three sets of circle lenses coming to me in the mail in the next few weeks. I have bought makeup, hair extensions, and food and coffees. I have been buying and downloading apps and music. My rationale was that "I will pay it off when I get my financial aid! Lalalalala~!♪ ♪"


But that of course is not the point. I also was staying up very late at night. Sometimes until three or four in the morning. I wasn't listening to my stress indicators. My typing and wallet-pulling-out little fingers were saying something small that I chose not to listen to. "You are really upset about something!", they cried whilst purchasing white eyeliner, "For goodness' sake do something, please!" But I didn't.

I kept spending until last night when, at four in the morning, I asked myself why I was awake so late. The answer was very clear. Fiancee is probably mad at me. I called him at work and told him all about it. Lying to someone who is so kind to you is really awful, but owning up to those lies feels worse and somehow good at the same time.

No more spending until I get my financial aid wherein I will first and foremost pay off and close out my credit card account.

-Kat